My Unfinished (Male) Symphony

A picture is worth a thousand words, but since I don’t have a picture… a thousand words will have to do.

The man of my dreams is a man with a contagious laugh, one who smiles at most times and loves to make people around him smile. He is a fun-loving person with a good sense of humor. He sees the positives in almost every situation. He is a nice-looking man with a smile that lights up his face. One who loves to give me surprises and keep me guessing as to the next. He is someone I can look up to and admire. He’s the one stop shop solution for all my problems, small and big. He is someone who can make me feel special and cherished. With him by my side, I should feel like I have not a care in the world and nothing could possibly go wrong just coz he’s there with me. He’s someone I can be myself with; share my most secret secrets, my desires and fantasies. I wouldn’t have to be in control with him around me. I could let go of all sense and know I will not come to harm’s way. He's my best friend.

He’s someone who will be my guiding star in my journey to find myself. He will be the one person who helps me learn and grow. He’ll be my biggest supporter and not so critical critic. He has to be a patient man, helping my confused self.

He’ll be someone who can love my family like I do. The one person who understands what it is to want to do something for parents & siblings. Someone who can respect the bonds of friendship I share with my friends, not just the girl friends but the guy friends too. He’ll be someone who’ll be possessive and will miss me when I am not around. He’ll be someone who’ll give me breakfast in bed when I am not well & sometimes even when I am. He’ll bring me flowers on his way home from work once in a while. He’ll take me out for dinner on the spur of the moment. He’ll be someone who would stand by me. He’ll expect me to love his family just like I love mine and understand that I don’t always agree with what my mother and siblings think. Just a smile on his face would have the ability to send my heart soaring. He’ll be naughty like I am. He should smile more than I do. His arms will be my sanctuary, his hugs and kisses make me forget the worse.

He’ll be someone who’ll call me, text me, mail me in the middle of the day just to tell me he loves me. He’ll be someone who’ll like similar movies, sitcoms and books. He’ll also like different books. He’ll be better read than I am, more aware of history & politics.

He’ll be a complete foodie, he’d love spicy food. He wouldn’t smoke. He’ll know how to cook too. He’ll be taller than I am. He’ll know my mood swings, be tolerant of my PMS days. He’ll be able to cheer me up when I am feeling down. When we fight or argue, he’ll try and understand my point of view. He should win the argument at times too. :P He’ll know which battles to fight and which to concede to the opponent i.e. me.

He’ll be the person who’d hesitate to scold me when I do something wrong… but at times give in…partly due to much motivation from me. He’ll be the one who’ll know me better than I know myself, will hopefully have a better opinion of me than I have myself.

I hope I find him soon or better still he finds me.

P.S. :- It seems less than a 1000 words will have to do.

The Much Awaited/Dreaded Trip

A month too late in posting this... still this is how I felt a little over a month back.

Just a matter of a few months away from home & perspectives change yet again. When leaving home at the end of August I had thought I’d be back only around the mid of 2010. However a month and a half in this country and I already had my ticket for the home trip booked. Just three months here and I am already eagerly waiting for my month in India.

The things I miss most here are my sis, the food, the random walks, the noise of Delhi, my home, the eating joints, family, meeting friends, catching up with them over coffee, mom’s daant, bro’s & sis’s taunt on my fitness state or evident lack of it. I miss the shopping areas of Delhi even though I am not a big shopper, I miss catching movies in theaters, and I miss Hindi movies. I miss a shoulder to cry on when I am down, I miss sharing a laugh with a friend in the middle of the night like it used to be on campus. I miss late night food, I miss the festivities, I miss driving, I miss ordering take out on the spur of the moment even though I have food cooked & ready, I miss my neighbor’s kid, I miss my sisters smile & her enthusiasm about everything in the universe, I miss seeing her eyes lit with joy on hearing a compliment or receiving a gift, I miss taking her out shopping, I miss pampering her spoilt. I miss the random hugs; I miss maggi & gol gappe. I miss the chats with cousins, the bakar sessions with friends; I miss Delhi roads & at times the traffic too. I miss the long walks.

However, in spite of all this I am also dreading the trip home. The trip where I am treated as an exhibit to be displayed in the Matrimony market. I have always dreamt of finding the one I marry on my own & suddenly it feels as though the world is collapsing, coming crashing down right beside me. I have to go through responses to matrimonial adverts, a feat I haven’t yet accomplished and have managed to outsource. It seems lame & creepy and some other things I can’t explain to me to go through these sources. I am not that sort of a person, I think I am ready to stay single for some time to try and find my guy on my own. I do not want to be bull dozed into a marriage just coz I have younger brother who is all set to get married. Is it okay to get married just because he’s ready & can’t get married before I do? Why is a wedding so important that I have to give up my career, my dreams bcoz my family wants to see me married? It’s not like I am altering my dreams, it is giving them up. I might let go of all those dreams in a split second if I am in love coz then it won’t be giving up, then I’ll be dreaming new dreams of sharing a lifetime with someone and those dreams will be mine. Coz there is a lot of difference in doing something you are asked to do and doing it out of your own will.

Dear god, please give me the strength to stand my ground, to be myself, to make the right choices, to not get swayed by family & community pressures.

For now though I just want to go home, be myself, enjoy my time there with family and friends, visit places, go for long drives, listen to good music, eat mom’s food, exercise, shop, visit my friends, spend good times with them. I want to laugh till I have tears in my eyes & my stomach hurts. I want to be alive and have joy course through my veins. I want to be ME.

Human, Are we??

A lot of times we hear & read about companies & enterprises being human however, tend to see very few examples of the same in day to day life. During my trip to India I came across such an example & was very pleased to see some organization try & make a difference.

It was a normal day back home & I was out in the evening with my sister. Suddenly while crossing a market complex we decided to stop at a KFC. We parked the car & went in to grab a bite. We approach the counter and encounter a guy who can’t figure out what we are trying to order & me being my usual impatient self, get irritated & say to my sister…Is this guy dumb or what???. Turns out the guy was not only dumb but deaf as well. As we moved closer, he pointed to the badge he was wearing. The badge said “Pls point out your order”.

Never in my life have I felt so cheap & disgusted with myself. Here I am a mature sensible person or so I thought and I lack even common courtesy. I am so full of myself that I can’t even remotely appreciate the huge problems people face in their day to day life.

There I was standing in front of this guy who was beaming with joy at just being able to take our order correctly. As it turns out, that particular KFC employs several such (for the lack of a better word) individuals. I felt angry with myself for my behavior. However I was really glad that some organization was making a difference!

A Midnight Stroll

A woman walking alone in the middle of the night & how she is treated by people around can be such an eye-opener about the city & people inhabiting it.

I recently moved to Helsinki & have since then been reveling in the almost crime free city. There are no restrictions on walking on the streets late at night, with friends or alone. This is a big change from what I have been used to back home.

For all the things I love Delhi for …. I hate it more for its security concerns & issues. I recently lost a friend. She was a journalist returning from work at 3 am. She was shot to death. No one knows why. To top it all, the honorable Chief Minister said something on the lines of “it was reckless behavior for a girl to be out alone at that time of the night”.

However not once did she comment on the security concerns that surround women in the city except talking about them as they were a given. Not once did she even in passing imply that the Government would attempt to make the Capital of the Country a safer place for people to live in.

Yesterday I had gone to a friend’s place for dinner with the gang (a weekend ritual for us). After the dinner & some card games, it was decided that we go for a walk around the city center to admire the beautifully lit city of Helsinki, basking in its festive glory. We ended up walking around the place and then returning to our respective homes on our own.

After wishing my friends a pleasant night, I bumped into a couple of men who’d seen me separate from my friends. And they didn’t catcall or whistle. They asked me very politely why I was ending the night so early. They invited me to join them for the rest of the night, asked me where I was from, if I was liking the city. On my polite refusal to join them, they backed off… wished me a pleasant night & went their own way. I shudder to think how this scene would have played if I had bumped in to a couple of men with beer bottles in their hands on the streets of Delhi at 1:30 am. Needless to say I don’t think I would have been safe & sound post the encounter.

Continuing my walk to my place, I saw a man lying on the street with the bridge of his nose bleeding a little. I and a passing finnish couple woke the guy, they asked him (in finnish) if he was okay, where he lived etc. We helped him stand up, they going in the same direction walked behind him to ensure he didn’t fall somewhere again coz he was too drunk to walk straight.

Again I wonder how this scene would have played had I been in Delhi. Two major differences that I think would have been are

1. I wouldn’t have stopped to help the guy. Not even in my wildest dream would I think of doing it in Delhi. I would have just assumed the guy was a Cheap Drunk and was getting what he deserved.

2. I wouldn’t have been walking alone at 1 am, even if it was inside my own locality.

For people here, I am making assumptions here basis my 3 odd months of observations, weekends are the time to have fun. They are out on the streets with Beer cans in one hand, a cigarette lit in the other, walking around with friends till wee hours of the morning, or spending time in a Karaoke bar or a pub or a disco. So its not a big shock if you find a guy lying on the street too drunk to get up. Drinking is a way of life here.

The surprise comes when they do not do stupid reckless things. They still walk in the walking lane, they still wait at traffic signals, they do not eve tease, they respect your privacy & personal space, they try to include you into the fun they are having, they want to ensure everyone has a good time.

How I wish my beloved city was similarly safe & respectful of people. Hope I live to walk such a night in Delhi.

3 months of Self Revelations

It’s been 3 months that I have spent away from home or the country that I call home.

The 3 months have been a revelation in to my own self. I have figured out things about myself that I had never figured at home or for that matter even on campus (my longest time away from home).

I have realized what a freak I am. On seeing people here, interacting with them; my perspectives have changed yet again. I have realized some aspects of me that were hidden to me until now. Reminds me a little of the Johari window exercises we were made to endure in college.

I always thought I was a social person with my own frequent mood swings. Only on coming here have I realized that my social element is quite high. I enjoy spending time with friends, who doesn’t rite?

But I have also realized how much I hate being alone… loath it. Of course there are times when I need to be just with myself & no one else but these times are fewer by far.

Some other things that I realized are how much I love my mom’s food & Indian food in general. If you know me, you’ll say what about the times you were away from home earlier? Well, but I was still in India & some substitute of what my mom could cook better was readily available. Somehow here I realize the value of the food cooked with love.

The other day after one of my successful cooking experiments, while discussing it with folks back home my brother dear says “ but you were always a good cook” & I must add here that I was pleasantly surprised coz until then I had never realized that anything I did could remotely be called good.

Well, I don’t have a very high opinion of myself. Of course people say you are sweet, helpful etc etc.

But how many of them know the real me. Hell even I do not know the real me. I am still figuring things out as you probably noticed reading this little tirade of mine.

To quote a friend who was using this line for himself, I’ll say “I am my own worst critic”.

However, to return to the self revelations… I have realized that I have a bit of competitive streak with the firangs as they say. Be it competing with them on the walking speeds or attempting to stay fit (very far off for me). Also realized that this will only help me start, if I need to continue then I need a little …sorry a lot of push….

Be it checking to see if a friend exercised or not… or asking a friend to scold me if I overeat… asking another one to ensure I exercise...

The other thing that I realized is that I can practice restraint when it comes to sweets. And this for any foodie is a big deal. Yep I am big foodie & I mean big literally. :p

Signing off

Over It!!!

SO many times one hears the phrase “Get over it!” in one variation or the other….be it getting over our sorrows or our obsessions.

It may come through our friends and/or family when one is unable to let go of things/people/relationships etc. Until a few months back I was in this category too… nursing my broken heart & a traumatized ego.

However, when I see the time I usually take to get over such things & the time my friends take… I wonder if something is wrong with me…. IS it me or is it them?? Do I let go of feelings quickly? Do I not invest enough of my heart in a thing /person?? Or do they not see reason when it stares them in the eye?

I have been struggling to figure out the answer to this for what seems like ages….

At times I feel that it’s because I have seen/lost enough in my short years to cry over something that is not a permanent part of my life or a person didn’t care enough about me… Yet is it wrong to move on quickly, to be ready and smiling in anticipation for things to come?

Well all I can say is I am over it… and smiling in anticipation for the good things to come…

Cheers

Too much to Ask?

Being around Couples is a mixed bag of feelings. I feel happy for them; it's good to see them together, enjoying each other's company, enjoying the company of others in a togetherness that is known only to them. Be it a fleeting look at the better half or a caressing smile or even a word of advice on how to play UNO.

Yet it makes me feel wistful, hoping I could share that with someone. Even the disagreements and arguments would be worth it. My family thinks it's high time I got married. Well I am somewhat in agreement with them. I think I should get married but don't think it's high time yet. Maybe they are right, maybe they are not.

However, the big question that remains is how to find the right man.

The bigger question still is the characteristics of the RIGHT MAN...
At times I draw a complete blank when I am thinking of what kind of person would I want to spend the rest of my life with and at times I feel like I could write pages and pages describing him.

It's not easy to find an intelligent, fun-loving, nice looking, caring, jovial, sensitive man who cares about you. A man who looks at you with love & tenderness in his eyes and a smile on his face. A man who can pamper you spoilt; make you feel like a queen. A man, whose kiss can make you shiver in anticipation. A man, who boosts your self-confidence. A man, who can handle the debates and arguments, one who doesn't expect you to change your point of view coz of what he thinks. One who lets you experience the world and yet protects you from falling in harm’s way. A man in control of things. A man who can ease your confusions and be your guiding star. A man who make your heart melt. A man who can make you fall in love. It's rare to find such men. It's no wonder I am not married yet.

Kudos to my girl friends who did find them!